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The Perfect Apology
Apologising is how we co-exist as imperfect human beings. Yet few of us know how to do it well or non-defensively. We immediately turn to excuses, justifications and reasons why we were provoked. Recent research into power, trust and corruption has led to the unearthing of a number of interesting factors regarding the search for truth, spotting lies and identifying the various barriers to apologising.
Just as often, apologies don’t happen at all, out of fear of rejection or ridicule, with people simply feeling that it’s all too uncomfortable or ineffective. But, genuinely sincere apologies bring a host of benefits to the person delivering the message and to the one receiving it. They help solidify relationships and mend trust after the rupture, both of which can lower stress levels and improve mental health. Research has also found that those receiving apologies can experience improvements in blood pressure and heart rate, as well as increased activation of empathy-related brain regions that set the stage for forgiveness and reconciliation.
So, if you’re ready to eat some humble pie and to meet your “mea culpa” moment, here are five ways to craft that perfect apology:
- Don’t rush into it. It’s an effort to shut the whole incident down and move on and you can’t deliver an effective apology until the injured party believes that you fully appreciate what you did wrong. Remember, anything benefiting the perpetrator does not meet the needs of the victim.
- Start with specific words. Use the words, I’m sorry or I apologise. Saying that you regret something puts the focus on you and your emotions when really it needs to centre squarely on the wronged person’s feelings. How the perceived wrong was received is key here, not the intent of the perpetrator (whether this was good, bad or ugly) with which it may have been delivered.
- Accept responsibility. Why should I apologise if we’re both at fault? …and this is the question that many people struggle with. However, focusing on taking responsibility for your part in the conflict makes a huge difference to the power of the apology. Whilst it is perfectly natural to call attention to the fact that you, too, may have been hurt, please resist the temptation to do so at this stage. Save this one for later unless, of course, you want the conflict to continue!
- Be clear about how you want to repair things. Conflict is inevitable in life as we are all going to see things differently, so the art of making reparations is a vital life skill. Unfortunately, not many people have had the good fortune to witness the “kiss and make up” scenario played out effectively while growing up. However, it’s never too late to learn, and lots of fun practising honing your skills(!), so why not give it a go? It’s easy to buy a new wine glass if you’ve broken one, or to pay for the dry cleaning if you’ve spilt coffee all over someone’s favourite dress, but what if you can’t repair or change what’s happened? If you’ve hurt someone’s feelings, make it clear that you misspoke and think/talk about moving the relationship forward. Communicating a promise to BE different isn’t easy, but this is the vital ingredient if you want to see a change in behaviour. Simply to DO things differently isn’t enough – trusting the other to commit only comes from a change in their values or belief system.
- Don’t expect forgiveness. Any apology is merely the starting point. Especially with really painful breaches of trust, the person wronged will often need time and space to heal. It’s important, therefore, not to pressure them. It can be tempting to follow up with something like: “What’s wrong? I said I was sorry – how long are you going to hold onto this?” Instead, check in with them with something like: “I know this isn’t going to fix everything and I want to carry on with whatever’s needed to make things right for you. I hope that even if you’re not ready to forgive me, you’re open to working with me to get us to a point where we’re able to move forward.”
Forgiveness is Divine, ladies and gentlemen.
So, keep practising the art of patience and remember, LOVE really is ALL you need!